My son is 15, and the last few years beginning in 7th grade has been more challenging than I could ever imagine. I have often joked that there is the reason the parenting books no longer offer advice after 10 years old. I am pretty sure it’s because- even the pro's have no idea how to truly proceed with a blossoming adult.

The angst, the frustration, the acting out.

Every kid is different.

From what I hear from most parents with multiple children there is always one, that tests everything you know or thought to be true. They challenge your sanity and your sense of reason.

Teenagers in most cases defy any sense of logic. Some more than others. This adventure of raising a troubled teenager has left me scratching my head- completely dumbfounded, more often then I like to admit. Asking friends, my counsellor or searching the internet- How to I help my troubled teen? How do I help him pivot?

The best the internet and blogs has given me is “give it to God,” or have him “connect with Christ.”

Don’t get me wrong I love God, I love Jesus, heck I love the budda and every other diety, but when you are in the thick of insanity with your kid- I need answers, I need actions I can take, I need strategy- not something airy fairy or vague. I can pray until the cows come home- or until my son overdoses again, attempts suicide again, skips class again, fails out of school again, steals or vandalizes someone's property again, or runs aways again (because God told him to, or so he says.)

What do you do when you see your kid in death spiral- determined to destroy himself?

So many people on the internet write about the fluff and stuff. The easy ish in life. Heck I like to write about the easy things in life- because they are fun, lighthearted and the things I want to remember when it’s all said and done.

So what have we tried that has been a bundle of failure- because at this point it’s just grasping at straws, and hoping we get it right- because that is all this life is- a hope to get it right.

• Discipline- taking away cell phone, and devices (this makes a difference for a short period) the pressures our kids are under just on their phones is something all adults understand- but we all fail to prepare our children for, I think many adults are unprepared for the pressures of social media and phone addiction. That’s a different topic though for a different day.

• Working with his school to create a plan for success, and seeing that it is executed.

• Changing Schools

• Counselling and treatment centers

• Providing him with mentors who can guide him

• Being honest about how his behaviors affect us as a family and even still we love him and will continue to be here

• Encourage him to talk

• Calling the cops when it’s the only option (this isn’t my favorite option- but there is something about riding home in the back of a cop car or facing a judge to wake one up I think)

• Being positive, and constantly trying to reinforce the positive actions, attitudes

• Family dinners and family meetings

• Kid Date nights or date days (1 kid at time) this seems to work as far as making him feel seen, and the positives last at least a few days after.

• Meditation- turns out my son and one of my daughters loves to meditate.

• Listening to podcasts in the car or letting my son play DJ while we drive.

Bottom line raising a challenging teen, is a test of mettle for me the parent and probably for all other parents struggling through the teen years. All we can do is try to love the snot out of our kids, and hope for the best. It is one of the most impossible loves- loving your children. That unconditional love- that keeps you up at night.

What I have found through all this. When my kids aren’t ok- I’m not ok. Not in work, not personally, not spiritually. There is a desperation for things to get better, a sadness that things aren’t better, and a hopelessness that you can only understand when you no longer have control over your children’s or really anyone’s decisions.

At some point we all make our own decisions, and when we see our kids making the hard decisions- it is a hard hard pill to swallow, because all we want to do is save them from themselves. Unfortunately it’s just life, it’s being a parent. Being so connected to another human being to be able to let them go and let them live.

My Dad says one of the hardest things you will ever do is letting your kids grow up, and TRUSTING that YOU (the parent) gave them the tools to thrive. It’s as much about trusting your children to course correct as trusting yourself that you didn’t completely f*ck it up.

I’d love to know your thoughts or even advice if you got it:)