How to Deal With Failure
Failure is something that is inevitable if you are showing up everyday and trying to achieve anything. People who are the most successful, are not perfectionists- not by along shot- but they show up everyday, fail, improve and fail again.
Long ago, I think it was back when I was selling Mary Kay- I heard this line, that has stuck with me over the years “Failure is an event, not a person. You are not a failure, you failed.”
Ironically enough, the fastest way to success to to show up, fail, show up, fail, show up, win. It’s a cycle.
The more you try to achieve something, the more times you are putting yourself in a position to fail, learn and grow. Much like Thomas Edison, who I’ve learned invented the light bulb once said, “ I didn’t; I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb.”
Failure is something that is inevitable if you are showing up everyday and trying to achieve anything. People who are the most successful, are not perfectionists- not by along shot- but they show up everyday, fail, improve and fail again.
Long ago, I think it was back when I was selling Mary Kay- I heard this line, that has stuck with me over the years “Failure is an event, not a person. You are not a failure, you failed.”
Ironically enough, the fastest way to success to to show up, fail, show up, fail, show up, win. It’s a cycle.
The more you try to achieve something, the more times you are putting yourself in a position to fail, learn and grow. Much like Thomas Edison, who I’ve learned invented the light bulb once said, “ I didn’t; I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb.”
Some failures and lessons are harder to handle than others. A failed business- and the pile of debt that comes with it. A failed marriage- and having to learn what family now means to you, and floundering through the feelings of “will anyone ever love me again?” Then there are other failures, that though smaller, depending on your beliefs, and how you choose to talk to yourself could seem gigantic like a negative review, an upset friend, or a typo that someone pointed out.
Every failure has a lesson to teach, whether or not you choose to accept it.
Sometimes we take the lesson to mean something damaging and likely not true, in a a pity party moment that becomes your entire life’s narrative. Like “ All men are abusive jerks,” because you let yourself be in a relationship with someone who roughed you up and left you with a heap of baggage to unpack.
Another one that is quite common, when you have failed in business or other creative pursuits, “ Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to be successful.” When instead you could look at wha went well, what went wrong, and what you could have done differently to achieve a different outcome, and what you will do differently next time.
Failure is a part of your evolution as a human, when we choose to allow failure to become our narrative and weave it into our DNA as an aspect of our character in a way that keeps us stuck, we actively choose to stay stuck, never evolve, and always wondering what if. Failure doesn’t have to be a negative, it can simply be a tool for learning.
If you are someone who struggles to know how to deal with failure and learn and grow from it, here are a few steps I have taken when I have been confronted with failure- so that it doesn’t take me down and keep me down.
Acknowledge what happened
The first part of over coming failure, is to start by recognizing what the actually failure was. Women and sometimes men have a tendency to over complicate and over emotionalize failures. So we can take advantage of an opportunity to really beat ourselves up, and let the junior high bully be right about us.
There is really no sense in making things bigger than they are, but I think it’s also part of the human condition. As you are feeling what you need to feel, and doing what you need to do to process your failure, it’s important to acknowledge a few things.
What did you want to happen?
What went right?
What went wrong?
What could you have done differently, if you could have done something differently?
What will you do differently moving forward?
Take Ownership
Friend, it’s easy to place blame and point fingers, but when you do you inadvertently strip yourself of your power and your ability to control the situation.
As a boss, business owner, master of your own domain, actions and results you hold all the power. The moment you start placing blame on others- you stop being in control, and I know you like to have control.
Taking ownership is not an easy task, because it means you have to own the bad parts as well as the good parts. It means you have to admit to being wrong, making the wrong decision, doing the wrong thing, and that doesn’t always feel good.
When you take ownership- you take control.
If a launch or project at work failed to meet expectations- what did you do or not do to drop the ball. Did you fail communicate? Did you fail to execute? Did you fail to hold yourself of someone else accountable? Did you say yes when you wanted to say no? Did you not trust your gut?
You may not be able to control the outcome or other people, but you can control your output, what you tolerate, who you trust, how much you give up, the boundaries you set, and the accountability for yourself and others that you set up.
Forgive Yourself
This step is crucial to be able to move on, especially on the more emotional aspects of failure. It’s almost like for so many of us that we practically live for beating ourselves up, like somehow we are better people because we insist on having a toxic relationship with our own minds and self esteem. This kind of thinking and behavior really doesn’t serve us in any way, other than slowing down our own momentum, and diminishing our own light.
If someone else beat you up, like you do beat yourself up- would it be ok? Not likely.
So when you fail, forgive yourself.
Don’t waste time on beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do, or should have done differently.
Forgive yourself by acknowledging you did your best, and you learned something.
ONWARD
Learn the Lessons
You either win or you learn.
The lessons you learn from your failures are so much more potent and powerful than the lessons you learn from your wins.
Don’t get me wrong, I live to win- but it’s the lessons from failures is where I learn the most about myself, business, relationships, life, etc.
An example, have you ever noticed the person, who has so many failed relationships is the one who gives the most relationship advice. I think it’s because the lessons are still so fresh for them, they can see relationships from an outsiders perspective.
When you give yourself the room you need to process, be with, and learn the lessons is where you can truly gain the ability and insight to powerfully move forward.
The lessons you learn can be about the failure itself or your response to the failure itself. Either way there is always something to learn, that will help you grow smarter, adapt better, and move forward faster.
Move On
You can live in failure, sit there and spin, and stew- but at the end of the day, that won’t make your life better.
Set new goals, try again using the lessons you learned. Move forward and set the intention to do better.
Keep moving forward- with your eyes wide open and your belief intact because you can do anything you put your mind to.
In conclusion friends, failure isn’t fatal. It’s an event, not a person. The more quickly you can learn to move through this process, the more quickly you can start win and succeeding more regularly. In the beginning is when it’s the hardest- simply because it’s a new skill you get to teach yourself.
Be gentle with yourself, do your best, acknowledge that you’ve done your best, learn and move on.
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4 Ways to Reclaim Your Power
It’s not until being through it, and on the other side of it that I realize my own power and the magic I breathe into everything I do.
It honestly helps me breathe a little easier, being able to take a beat and acknowledge what I have done and what I have left to do.
Though this has been cathartic for me to write, I am realizing that I have not left you with anything other than some personal realizations and short stories, that’s not very helpful and certainly not the purpose of this blog post.
To wrap up this post let me give some actionable steps you can take to create magic and fully step into your power in your business and your life.
This weekend was a great weekend- I got to spend some time with my family and make some sweet memories- but in that I also learned some lessons from my darling daughters.
The holiday season is a time of year where everything feels a bit more magical- maybe it’s the twinkle lights, the time with family, the baked goodies, santa, or all the holiday traditions.
This is the first year in many years where I have not been responsible for planning a grand holiday soiree for clients, employees, and vendors. It kind of feels like, for the first time in over a decade I can actual flow with and enjoy the holiday season- because I’m not trying to control it.
I took my daughters shopping this weekend, for Christmas presents and while we were in the car, I told them Lena 11, and Emma 13 that there was no Santa. Emma already knew but Lena was gutted. When I asked her why she was so upset, she told me, she believes in magic, and doesn’t want there to be no magic on Christmas.
I was shocked, because as a child, at 8 years old I learned there was no Santa and I was relieved- there was too much pressure to achieve perfect behavior, then a strange dude in our house. Sure I loved the surprise of filled stockings and Christmas morning but the rest was a lot for me to handle as a child.
What I learned through an extended conversation with my daughters- is they believe in magic- the magic that their father and I have created for them year after year- in spite of being divorced since Lena was 1 1/2 years old.
Often times I don’t think we realize the power that magic that we bring into our lives and businesses simply by being who we are.
It’s really easy to get lost in the doing, the having, and the toiling to make it through life and prove to ourselves and those around us that we are a success.
The thing is- nobody really gives a shit about what you do for a living, what kind of car you drive, where you live or how much money you make.
They care about how you make them feel.
The experience you give others, simply by being in your presence.
Do you make people feel better or worse about themselves?
Do you lift others up or do you put them down- remind them of “their place” in the world?
Do you encourage and speak life into others or do you speak down to others?
The wonder and awe you create in the world could be through your business and through the relationships you have and the memories that you make.
The hard work that you do, is creating magic for someone else- even if- for you, it just feels like work.
Today, I one year since I walked away from gym business- (uncanny timing, pre- COVID. ) Truth be told, it has been a year of unpacking some baggage that I had acquired through owning the gym.
BUT
Today, for the first time- maybe ever- I heard the compliments and comments about what I created with the gym in the time that I had it. For every person who walked through our doors I made it my mission to let them feel seen, let them feel needed, and let them know they mattered.
I think I achieved that.
It’s not until being through it, and on the other side of it that I realize my own power and the magic I breathe into everything I do.
It honestly helps me breathe a little easier, being able to take a beat and acknowledge what I have done and what I have left to do.
Though this has been cathartic for me to write, I am realizing that I have not left you with anything other than some personal realizations and short stories, that’s not very helpful and certainly not the purpose of this blog post.
To wrap up this post let me give some actionable steps you can take to create magic and fully step into your power in your business and your life.
Be YOU
When in doubt, and you don’t even know what it means to be you- sit still, journal, pray, ask the hard questions of the universe, “ Who am I?” and “ Who do I want to be?”
You were created to be you, and only you. When in doubt, be you- even if that means you cuss like a sailor, tell dirty jokes, and add a dash of awkwardness to any situation.
Nobody wants you to be anyone other that you.
You Matter.
Who you are matters.
What you do matters.
Get Lost
I like to say, “ The fastest way to find yourself is to get a little lost.”
Go for a wander, experience something new, explore different places, tastes, cultures. Walk in someone else’s shoes for a day, a week, a month or a year
A shift in scenery can work wonders to shift your perspective.
Take a Stand and Stay There
This year, this pandemic, and this political season has brought a lot of opinions and perspectives out of the wood work.
It’s easy to stand back and watch the madness unfold, not really having an opinion or a stance or a point of view. Let’s be honest- not having a point of view- or being hostile in your point of view are the trademarks of our generation and the world we live in.
It takes courage to stand firm, to use your voice even if it’s shaking, and to disagree with others.
Your point of view, your perspectives, and your ability to listen to others are things that truly define who we are.
I understand the desire to please everyone, I think most women do. If you don’t take a stand for something, you will fall for anything.
So let your freak flag fly and be open about your beliefs- not everyone will agree with with, but why would you want them to anyways?
MOVE & TAKE ACTION
There is a difference between people who have beliefs and visions for the world and people who have beliefs and vision and actively seek to mold the world to fit their vision.
The simple act of taking action, is the simple action of working your magic and fully stepping into your power.
Will it always be easy? Hell no.
Will there be an evolution? God I hope so.
Will is be perfect? As long as you are human, you can fully expect it to be messy and imperfect.
Stepping into your power doesn’t mean life suddenly gets easier, I would argue that at times it can actually get harder- but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be you, all of you, in all your glory.
Step into your power and go work your magic.
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