How to Deal With Failure
Failure is something that is inevitable if you are showing up everyday and trying to achieve anything. People who are the most successful, are not perfectionists- not by along shot- but they show up everyday, fail, improve and fail again.
Long ago, I think it was back when I was selling Mary Kay- I heard this line, that has stuck with me over the years “Failure is an event, not a person. You are not a failure, you failed.”
Ironically enough, the fastest way to success to to show up, fail, show up, fail, show up, win. It’s a cycle.
The more you try to achieve something, the more times you are putting yourself in a position to fail, learn and grow. Much like Thomas Edison, who I’ve learned invented the light bulb once said, “ I didn’t; I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb.”
Some failures and lessons are harder to handle than others. A failed business- and the pile of debt that comes with it. A failed marriage- and having to learn what family now means to you, and floundering through the feelings of “will anyone ever love me again?” Then there are other failures, that though smaller, depending on your beliefs, and how you choose to talk to yourself could seem gigantic like a negative review, an upset friend, or a typo that someone pointed out.
Every failure has a lesson to teach, whether or not you choose to accept it.
Sometimes we take the lesson to mean something damaging and likely not true, in a a pity party moment that becomes your entire life’s narrative. Like “ All men are abusive jerks,” because you let yourself be in a relationship with someone who roughed you up and left you with a heap of baggage to unpack.
Another one that is quite common, when you have failed in business or other creative pursuits, “ Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to be successful.” When instead you could look at wha went well, what went wrong, and what you could have done differently to achieve a different outcome, and what you will do differently next time.
Failure is a part of your evolution as a human, when we choose to allow failure to become our narrative and weave it into our DNA as an aspect of our character in a way that keeps us stuck, we actively choose to stay stuck, never evolve, and always wondering what if. Failure doesn’t have to be a negative, it can simply be a tool for learning.
If you are someone who struggles to know how to deal with failure and learn and grow from it, here are a few steps I have taken when I have been confronted with failure- so that it doesn’t take me down and keep me down.
Acknowledge what happened
The first part of over coming failure, is to start by recognizing what the actually failure was. Women and sometimes men have a tendency to over complicate and over emotionalize failures. So we can take advantage of an opportunity to really beat ourselves up, and let the junior high bully be right about us.
There is really no sense in making things bigger than they are, but I think it’s also part of the human condition. As you are feeling what you need to feel, and doing what you need to do to process your failure, it’s important to acknowledge a few things.
What did you want to happen?
What went right?
What went wrong?
What could you have done differently, if you could have done something differently?
What will you do differently moving forward?
Take Ownership
Friend, it’s easy to place blame and point fingers, but when you do you inadvertently strip yourself of your power and your ability to control the situation.
As a boss, business owner, master of your own domain, actions and results you hold all the power. The moment you start placing blame on others- you stop being in control, and I know you like to have control.
Taking ownership is not an easy task, because it means you have to own the bad parts as well as the good parts. It means you have to admit to being wrong, making the wrong decision, doing the wrong thing, and that doesn’t always feel good.
When you take ownership- you take control.
If a launch or project at work failed to meet expectations- what did you do or not do to drop the ball. Did you fail communicate? Did you fail to execute? Did you fail to hold yourself of someone else accountable? Did you say yes when you wanted to say no? Did you not trust your gut?
You may not be able to control the outcome or other people, but you can control your output, what you tolerate, who you trust, how much you give up, the boundaries you set, and the accountability for yourself and others that you set up.
Forgive Yourself
This step is crucial to be able to move on, especially on the more emotional aspects of failure. It’s almost like for so many of us that we practically live for beating ourselves up, like somehow we are better people because we insist on having a toxic relationship with our own minds and self esteem. This kind of thinking and behavior really doesn’t serve us in any way, other than slowing down our own momentum, and diminishing our own light.
If someone else beat you up, like you do beat yourself up- would it be ok? Not likely.
So when you fail, forgive yourself.
Don’t waste time on beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do, or should have done differently.
Forgive yourself by acknowledging you did your best, and you learned something.
ONWARD
Learn the Lessons
You either win or you learn.
The lessons you learn from your failures are so much more potent and powerful than the lessons you learn from your wins.
Don’t get me wrong, I live to win- but it’s the lessons from failures is where I learn the most about myself, business, relationships, life, etc.
An example, have you ever noticed the person, who has so many failed relationships is the one who gives the most relationship advice. I think it’s because the lessons are still so fresh for them, they can see relationships from an outsiders perspective.
When you give yourself the room you need to process, be with, and learn the lessons is where you can truly gain the ability and insight to powerfully move forward.
The lessons you learn can be about the failure itself or your response to the failure itself. Either way there is always something to learn, that will help you grow smarter, adapt better, and move forward faster.
Move On
You can live in failure, sit there and spin, and stew- but at the end of the day, that won’t make your life better.
Set new goals, try again using the lessons you learned. Move forward and set the intention to do better.
Keep moving forward- with your eyes wide open and your belief intact because you can do anything you put your mind to.
In conclusion friends, failure isn’t fatal. It’s an event, not a person. The more quickly you can learn to move through this process, the more quickly you can start win and succeeding more regularly. In the beginning is when it’s the hardest- simply because it’s a new skill you get to teach yourself.
Be gentle with yourself, do your best, acknowledge that you’ve done your best, learn and move on.
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