How to Deal With Failure
Failure is something that is inevitable if you are showing up everyday and trying to achieve anything. People who are the most successful, are not perfectionists- not by along shot- but they show up everyday, fail, improve and fail again.
Long ago, I think it was back when I was selling Mary Kay- I heard this line, that has stuck with me over the years “Failure is an event, not a person. You are not a failure, you failed.”
Ironically enough, the fastest way to success to to show up, fail, show up, fail, show up, win. It’s a cycle.
The more you try to achieve something, the more times you are putting yourself in a position to fail, learn and grow. Much like Thomas Edison, who I’ve learned invented the light bulb once said, “ I didn’t; I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb.”
Failure is something that is inevitable if you are showing up everyday and trying to achieve anything. People who are the most successful, are not perfectionists- not by along shot- but they show up everyday, fail, improve and fail again.
Long ago, I think it was back when I was selling Mary Kay- I heard this line, that has stuck with me over the years “Failure is an event, not a person. You are not a failure, you failed.”
Ironically enough, the fastest way to success to to show up, fail, show up, fail, show up, win. It’s a cycle.
The more you try to achieve something, the more times you are putting yourself in a position to fail, learn and grow. Much like Thomas Edison, who I’ve learned invented the light bulb once said, “ I didn’t; I found 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb.”
Some failures and lessons are harder to handle than others. A failed business- and the pile of debt that comes with it. A failed marriage- and having to learn what family now means to you, and floundering through the feelings of “will anyone ever love me again?” Then there are other failures, that though smaller, depending on your beliefs, and how you choose to talk to yourself could seem gigantic like a negative review, an upset friend, or a typo that someone pointed out.
Every failure has a lesson to teach, whether or not you choose to accept it.
Sometimes we take the lesson to mean something damaging and likely not true, in a a pity party moment that becomes your entire life’s narrative. Like “ All men are abusive jerks,” because you let yourself be in a relationship with someone who roughed you up and left you with a heap of baggage to unpack.
Another one that is quite common, when you have failed in business or other creative pursuits, “ Maybe I just don’t have what it takes to be successful.” When instead you could look at wha went well, what went wrong, and what you could have done differently to achieve a different outcome, and what you will do differently next time.
Failure is a part of your evolution as a human, when we choose to allow failure to become our narrative and weave it into our DNA as an aspect of our character in a way that keeps us stuck, we actively choose to stay stuck, never evolve, and always wondering what if. Failure doesn’t have to be a negative, it can simply be a tool for learning.
If you are someone who struggles to know how to deal with failure and learn and grow from it, here are a few steps I have taken when I have been confronted with failure- so that it doesn’t take me down and keep me down.
Acknowledge what happened
The first part of over coming failure, is to start by recognizing what the actually failure was. Women and sometimes men have a tendency to over complicate and over emotionalize failures. So we can take advantage of an opportunity to really beat ourselves up, and let the junior high bully be right about us.
There is really no sense in making things bigger than they are, but I think it’s also part of the human condition. As you are feeling what you need to feel, and doing what you need to do to process your failure, it’s important to acknowledge a few things.
What did you want to happen?
What went right?
What went wrong?
What could you have done differently, if you could have done something differently?
What will you do differently moving forward?
Take Ownership
Friend, it’s easy to place blame and point fingers, but when you do you inadvertently strip yourself of your power and your ability to control the situation.
As a boss, business owner, master of your own domain, actions and results you hold all the power. The moment you start placing blame on others- you stop being in control, and I know you like to have control.
Taking ownership is not an easy task, because it means you have to own the bad parts as well as the good parts. It means you have to admit to being wrong, making the wrong decision, doing the wrong thing, and that doesn’t always feel good.
When you take ownership- you take control.
If a launch or project at work failed to meet expectations- what did you do or not do to drop the ball. Did you fail communicate? Did you fail to execute? Did you fail to hold yourself of someone else accountable? Did you say yes when you wanted to say no? Did you not trust your gut?
You may not be able to control the outcome or other people, but you can control your output, what you tolerate, who you trust, how much you give up, the boundaries you set, and the accountability for yourself and others that you set up.
Forgive Yourself
This step is crucial to be able to move on, especially on the more emotional aspects of failure. It’s almost like for so many of us that we practically live for beating ourselves up, like somehow we are better people because we insist on having a toxic relationship with our own minds and self esteem. This kind of thinking and behavior really doesn’t serve us in any way, other than slowing down our own momentum, and diminishing our own light.
If someone else beat you up, like you do beat yourself up- would it be ok? Not likely.
So when you fail, forgive yourself.
Don’t waste time on beating yourself up for the things you didn’t do, or should have done differently.
Forgive yourself by acknowledging you did your best, and you learned something.
ONWARD
Learn the Lessons
You either win or you learn.
The lessons you learn from your failures are so much more potent and powerful than the lessons you learn from your wins.
Don’t get me wrong, I live to win- but it’s the lessons from failures is where I learn the most about myself, business, relationships, life, etc.
An example, have you ever noticed the person, who has so many failed relationships is the one who gives the most relationship advice. I think it’s because the lessons are still so fresh for them, they can see relationships from an outsiders perspective.
When you give yourself the room you need to process, be with, and learn the lessons is where you can truly gain the ability and insight to powerfully move forward.
The lessons you learn can be about the failure itself or your response to the failure itself. Either way there is always something to learn, that will help you grow smarter, adapt better, and move forward faster.
Move On
You can live in failure, sit there and spin, and stew- but at the end of the day, that won’t make your life better.
Set new goals, try again using the lessons you learned. Move forward and set the intention to do better.
Keep moving forward- with your eyes wide open and your belief intact because you can do anything you put your mind to.
In conclusion friends, failure isn’t fatal. It’s an event, not a person. The more quickly you can learn to move through this process, the more quickly you can start win and succeeding more regularly. In the beginning is when it’s the hardest- simply because it’s a new skill you get to teach yourself.
Be gentle with yourself, do your best, acknowledge that you’ve done your best, learn and move on.
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5 Ways to Shift Your Energy
Creating a productive perspective that moves you forward instead of keeping you stuck may seems like a simple and shift. In reality it is a simple shift, but it requires us to recognize our own limited thinking and victimhood that is so easy to fall into.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pity party like anyone else, but over the years I have also realized, living the pity party is a recipe for upset, distress, and self imposed distraction.
You and I both know that if we want to achieve our visions and goals, what we do matters. How we think matters, and how we act matters- especially in the direction of achieving our goals.
It is my belief that most people fail in achieving their goals because they haven’t checked their thinking and taken control enough to change the script of their thinking.
What you think creates your energy.
Your energy affects your focus.
Your focus dictates your results.
Where energy goes, attention flows.
Creating a productive perspective that moves you forward instead of keeping you stuck may seems like a simple and shift. In reality it is a simple shift, but it requires us to recognize our own limited thinking and victimhood that is so easy to fall into.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good pity party like anyone else, but over the years I have also realized, living the pity party is a recipe for upset, distress, and self imposed distraction.
You and I both know that if we want to achieve our visions and goals, what we do matters. How we think matters, and how we act matters- especially in the direction of achieving our goals.
It is my belief that most people fail in achieving their goals because they haven’t checked their thinking and taken control enough to change the script of their thinking.
What you think creates your energy.
Your energy affects your focus.
Your focus dictates your results.
Where energy goes, attention flows.
The attention you give things in your life is an active choice even when it feels like an inactive choice.
We all are having the same handful of thoughts each and every day. The cyclical and repetitive nature of our thoughts become habit… which means thoughts are habits. Your energetic state is a habit.
The good news is, habits can be changed.
So if you, like many people have felt like you have been stuck this year or find yourself floundering know that you don’t have to stay in that negative thought and energy cycle. You get to choose to change it at any time.
Here are 5 Ways to Shift Your Energy Instantly:
1) Gratitute
When you focus on what you are grateful for, you can’t help but feel more expansive, fulfilled, creative and joyful.
2) Capture your thoughts and shift them
Fear and faith cannot exist in the same space. When you recognize a limiting and fear based thought, you are given a choice, keep thinking the thought- spinning on it, or change the script.
Because a lot of our thinking is rather thoughtless- when you notice yourself going down a harmful and unprductive thought pattern, I like to ask, “Is this really true?” and if it is really true, what would it mean if it weren’t?
We all have our life experiences, and the junk that other people have put onto us, but just because someone once told us something is true about us, doesn’t mean it is.
The beauty about being human, you get decide what your truth is. You get to decide what is true for you. That means giving ourselves the freedom and space to ask where the thoughts came from, just because you have a thought doesn’t make it true.
3) Affirmations
“The things that are spoken aloud in the dark will eventually come to light.”- Unknown
Your thoughts and beliefs that you speak about or think have a way of making themselves known.
If you want something to be true speak it into existence.
Often times though we allow things that we don't want to be true to be spoken into existence as well.
Thoughts and words have power, proceed with caution.
Affirmations are simple in concept, but can be challenging in creating a practice around, because they are “I am” statements that you want to be true or that are true that you speak over yourself.
For example, after having my son at 16, a lot of people tried to tell me that I would never amount to anything and that I would end up a statistic, a woman on welfare, struggling the remainder of my life. I refused to accept that this was true. Even still a lot of that negativity and stigma I had to work through, so I created affirmations that I knew deep inside were true about me and I wrote them on post it note and posted them everywhere.
Every time I would see them, I read them aloud. They said things like, “ I am a brave, courageous and fearless woman I do the things others aren’t willing to do, so that I can I have the life I desire.”
Words matter. Thoughts matter. Make sure they are good.
4) Journalling
Journalling is freeing. I like to approach like this… first I write down my troubles, my thoughts, my irritations and then I like to actually solve my own problems with in the pages.
I have found that when I really spinning out about something that is bothering me, making it bigger than it really is, writing it all down makes the monster in my mind a pebble on the beach.
It’s easy to make the little things the big things, and at the end of the day everything is a little thing- even the hard things that break your heart.
When you journal, not only are you keeping a record of your life, but you are giving yourself a safe, nonjudgemental space to just be you- raw, wild, and beautiful.
5) Change your state and Don’t be Afraid to Look Like a Fool
This morning when I went on my morning walk with Roo, it was cold, windy, and overcast. It would have been easy to turn around or walk as fast as I could and just get it done. Instead I decided I needed to celebrate for the sake of celebration.
I had recently made a new bouncy playlist, that I knew would elevate my spirit, so I turned it on.
One thing led to another, and next thing you know I was dancing around the park pretending I was making a music video. Lord, it made me feel alive!
Sometimes we just have to give ourselves permission to not take ourselves so freaking seriously and have fun, even when there is no one watching and if people are watching, let them enjoy the crazy show!
6) Get in your body
Silly as it may seem to some, getting in your body and moving your body is one of the best practices you can establish. Whether it’s the endorphins and oxygen to your brain that comes with exercise, or the ability to focus on moving and breathing that help to change your state. I don’t really care.
Getting in your body, and out of your head is one of the quickest and cheapest vacations you will ever have the pleasure to take.
Getting in your body can be lifting weights, going for a way, dancing it out, doing yoga- it really doesn’t matter what you do to move, just that you give yourself permission and freedom to move, and be, and flow with life.
Exercise doesn’t have to be a punishment. It doesn’t have to serve as a way to sculpt the perfect body. It truly can be practice that’s purpose is a simple as feeling better- not just physically but mentally!
What are your favorite ways to shift your energy?